Small Town Misfit

Atlanta, GA
An officer responded to a dispute on Campbell Street. A 41-year-old man said he gave his gold 1997 Mercury Cougar to a man named “Jack” around 2 a.m. He said Jack wanted to go to the BP station and was supposed to return around 4 a.m.

According to the officer’s written report: “I asked, ‘What is Jack’s last name?’ He replied, ‘I don’t know.’ I asked ‘How long have you known him?’ He said, ‘I’ve been knowing him for a while.’ I said, ‘How long?’ He replied, ‘Two months.’”

The officer continued: “I said, ‘So let me get this straight, you gave your vehicle to a person you have known for two months, named Jack with no last name, so he could go [to] the store around 2 a.m. this morning?’ He said, ‘Yeah, that’s right.’ I said, ‘You are missing some parts of the story.’ He said, ‘That’s it, I’ve told you what happened.’”

A few seconds later, the man reportedly said, “I think Jack is his nickname.”

The officer continued: “I said, ‘So now you have given your vehicle to a person that you don’t even know his real name?’ He said, ‘Yeah.’ I said, ‘You are not telling me the whole truth about this incident.’”

Eventually, the man looked down and said, “I sold the car for crack.” Turns out, he doesn’t even own the gold Mercury Cougar … it belongs to a woman.

Found in Creative Loafing

Grass Valley, CA
11:17 p.m. — A woman from the 22000 block of Cottage Hill Drive reported a neighbor’s pig bit her husband in their garage.

Found in the Union

Lake Oswego, OR
4:41 p.m. A man was making scary faces at a seven-year-old child on Lords Lane.

Found in the Lake Oswego Review

Kankakee County, IL
An argument over sex and watery biscuits landed a rural Chebanse woman in the Kankakee County jail early this morning.

Kerri Vandusen, 23, was arrested by Kankakee County sheriff’s police responding to a 1:59 a.m. domestic battery call at Countryside Mobile Home Park on U.S. Routes 45 and 52 south of Kankakee.

Vandusen reportedly began arguing with a boyfriend for making biscuits and gravy with water rather than milk. The argument turned violent after allegations that he had sex with another woman.

Found in the Daily Journal

Santa Barbara, CA
Fri., Jan. 16, 11:56 p.m. – Officers patrolling the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive witnessed two young men climb through the window into an abandoned house.

Once inside the house, the two inebriated men were overtaken by drunken douchebaggery. The deputies watched as they proceeded to destroy an assortment of objects in the house by throwing them to the ground.

As the officers approached, the two troublemakers made for the backdoor and out into the backyard. While one of the males was able to get away, the second got tripped up and fell into the arms of the law.

The deputy asked the intoxicated man why he was in the abandoned house and he replied, “Physic, directed, mutant, genesis.” Confused, the officer asked a second time but the man just repeated himself, “Physic, directed, mutant, genesis.”

Having taken note of his strange answer, the officer then asked the 23-year old to recite his alphabet. “A, B, C,” he started, “E, G, H, I, H, Z.”

Feeling certain the man was too intoxicated to take care of himself, the officers arrested and transported him to the Isla Vista Foot Patrol Station. While waiting for his paperwork to be completed, the man was placed on a chair in the station’s drunk tank. However, he was too drunk to sit in a chair properly, and, after a few minutes, he fell off the chair and landed on the side of his head, which caused a few small abrasions on his ear and cheek.

The man was treated for his injuries and then taken to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Found in the Daily Nexus

Quay County, NM
At 10:18 a.m., a male reported a suspicious male subject and female subject were walking down south Fourth Street going door to door trying to sell I-phones.

Found in the Quay County Sun

Quay county, NM
At 3:53 p.m., several callers reported a woman wearing a green shirt and brown pants trying to stop traffic on east Tucumcari Boulevard and possibly flashing people. An officer made contact and advised her to stay off the street.

Found in the Quay County Sun

San Clemente, CA
8:35 a.m. – A 20-something man with muscular build reportedly came to the informant’s door and said he was God and wanted to know if he had entered the informant’s wife.

Found in the San Clemente Times

Charlotte, NC
A 54-year-old woman and her male friend went from hotel to hotel, hoping to find a room they could afford so they could have sex. Alas, they didn’t have enough money, so the man suggested they have sex outside. When the woman refused, the man became irate and pushed her into some bushes.

Found in Creative Loafing

Grass Valley, CA
6:07 p.m. — A caller from Highway 49 and Uren Street reported a woman “flapping around, trying to fly.” She could not be located.

Found in the Union

Chagrin, OH
Officers took a South Russell man, 20, to the hospital Aug. 15 after he said God told him “to start digging holes.”

A frightened Hastings Lane woman saw the man covered in mud digging holes in a creek near her backyard.

He said he had received the instructions from God after he took five ecstasy pills the night before. He had been digging in the creek all night — he even erected a small wooden cross — and his lips and feet were blue and he had trouble walking.

Found in the Chagrin Sun

Rio Grande, NM
11:01 a.m. — A State Road 76 caller said she wanted a man at her house removed because he was coming over at night and damaging her wall. Police determined the wall damage was caused by the weather.

Found in the Rio Grande Sun