Small Town Misfit

Goleta Valley, CA
Returning home to find his Isla Vista house burglarized, the resident looked outside to find a young man passed out on the front lawn. Checking the downed man’s pockets for identification, the victim came across his own stolen iPod. Apparently, the intoxicated burglar passed out before making it off the property.

The thief, once awakened, began vomiting profusely. Coming to his aid, the victim brought a wastebasket to the ill suspect until, finally, the suspect was able to walk home. It wasn’t until the following day that the victim realized the sick thief had also left with stolen cash in his pocket.

The victim turned over information collected from the suspect’s identification in hopes of locating the suspect and the $91. In a change of heart, having realized the thankless burglar left with stolen property, the victim told authorities he now wished to press charges against the thief.

Found in the Goleta Valley Voice

Columbia, SC
On June 2, officers received a tip about someone selling drugs and beer out of a Pendleton Street home. So an undercover cop watched the location and saw a man go to the side of the residence and buy two beers. Another officer inquired with the beer buyer and he said he purchased it, from a 60-year-old man, because he didn’t feel like walking to a store. That officer then confronted the 60-year-old, who admitted that he had sold the beers — for $1 each (a pretty awesome deal, with sodas available at 50 cents per). The man was given a citation for selling suds without a required beer license.

Found in the Free Times

Amhurst, NY
Police responded to an accident at Broadway and Central. As officers spoke to the man, they noticed signs of intoxication and the odor of alcohol. The man admitted to having beer, but he couldn’t remember how many. Then he said, “I’ll be completely honest with you. I’m smashed.”

Found in the Bee News

Grass Valley, CA
2:48 a.m - A caller from Sierra Nevada Memorial Hospital reported a vehicle pulled up to the emergency room with an intoxicated person in the rear seat. The driver apparently was attempting to drop the person off when he began kicking the windows out of the vehicle. The driver sped off with the intoxicated man and responding officers were unable to locate the vehicle.

Found in the Union

Columbia, SC
A 47-year-old man left a Hampton Street barbershop May 15 and a woman followed him out. A few steps later a man came up to him and demanded money, saying, “Give me $30 for being with my woman.” The 47-year-old said, “I haven’t been with your woman,” and kept walking west on Hampton Street. But then he and the man started to argue. The man again demanded money for “being with his woman.” Then the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a box cutter, so the 47-year-old tried to step back but the suspect came at him, cutting him on the forehead. He said that after he got cut he threw $15 on the ground and the man walked away. The victim then ran to call the police.

Found in the Free Times

Cincinnati, OH
Forget sheet cakes and party hats – when Scarlett Doyle’s birthday rolled around, police say she celebrated by getting hammered and trying to beat up her mother-in-law.

Doyle, of Muncie , Ind. , was arrested just before 2 this morning on a disorderly conduct charge.

Doyle was seen stumbling through front yards in the 2800 block of Bodley Avenue in East Price Hill, a police report says, screaming obscenities and ringing the neighbors’ doorbells.

At one point, police saw Doyle grab her mother-in-law’s arm and try to fight the woman.

When officers arrested the petite blond, she told them she was drunk because it was her birthday.

On Thursday, Scarlett Doyle turned 33.

Found in the Cincinnati Enquirer

Rio Grande, NM???????? ????? ????????
1:34 p.m. — A Hernandez caller said her boyfriend was destroying the house. Police couldn’t locate the residence.

Found in the Rio Grande Sun

Columbia, SC
A cop on Lady Street recently encountered a 54-year-old woman who is known as “Porkchop.” The officer saw that she was “grossly intoxicated.” She was slurring her words and having trouble standing and she reeked of booze. The officer arrested her for disorderly conduct and she was taken to jail.

Found in the Free Times

Goleta Valley, CA
Alone and walking uncomfortably close to the oceanside cliffs along Del Playa Drive in Isla Vista, an unsteady 20-year-old was stopped by deputies. When asked where he was headed at 2 a.m., the wobbly man pointed toward the ocean and replied, “I’m going home.”

Found in the Goleta Valley Voice

Goleta Valley, CA
After rear-ending another car in the drive-thru at a Calle Real hamburger spot, a man got out of his car to urinate in a nearby bush. Deputies met with the driver at 7:45 p.m. after receiving a call about the belligerent subject.

When asked how much he’d had to drink, the 61-year-old driver estimated, “Three beers and a couple of whiskeys, at least.”
He was jailed for public intoxication.

Found in the Goleta Valley Voice

Westlake, OH
Police were called to a wedding reception at 11 p.m. Saturday on reports of an overly intoxicated guest.

Police arrived to find a 24-year-old Parma woman, who apparently assaulted another guest by punching her.

The woman was arrested and proceeded to kick, pinch and spit at officer while being booked.

Found in the Sun News

Middleburg Heights, OH
Police observed a driver traveling about 20 mph with his car’s hazard lights on. The tire on the car was flat and smoking.

The man was pulled over. As he got out of the car, he started to walk toward the officer’s cruiser. Police told the man to go back to his car and he stumbled backward into traffic.

The man told police he was just trying to get home.

The man’s breath smelled of alcohol and he had bloodshot and glassy eyes.

The Brook Park man eventually got home but not before making a stop in jail.

Found in the News Sun