Small Town Misfit

Rio Grande, NM
6:44 a.m. — For no discernible reason, a man was placing big rocks in the middle of El Llano Road, a caller said.

Found in the Rio Grande Sun

Delafield, WI
Police are attempting to determine who dumped Thousand Island dressing on vehicles parked on Burries Road last week.

According to the police report, Brian Dorow of 2704 Burries Road reported that his house was egged and his vehicle had the salad dressing poured on it. Anthony Fugate, 2721 Burries Road, reported someone poured caramel and the salad dressing on two of his vehicles.

Police found one-half ounce Pizza Hut packets from which the dressing and caramel came near Fugate’s house, the report said. The incidents occurred sometime late Nov. 4 or early Nov. 5.

Found in the Kettle Moraine Index

Kennebec, ME
At 10:02 a.m., an Ithiel Gordon Road caller reported he blew up his hand by lighting gun powder on fire.

Found in the Kennebec Journal

Potrero Hill, CA
Plainclothes officers were on Dakota Street when they were hailed by a citizen. The citizen wanted to know if they wanted to buy crack (this is a true story). The officers said yes and the citizen held out his hand for payment. A female friend of the seller looked in the car and finally said, “They the police.” The officers jumped out as the two suspects tried to run away. Unfortunately, they were no match for the officers and they tripped trying to get away.

A pat search on the male suspect, sent a gun flying down his pant leg and on to the ground. The suspect yelled, “I need that for my protection.” But then realizing what he just said then said, “I just found that.”

The female suspect was searched and a large quantity of crack cocaine was located. The couple was booked on narcotics and weapons charges at Bayview Station.

Found in the Potrero Hill Police Blotter

Santa Barbara, CA
Wednesday, Nov. 8, 5:45 p.m. — IVFP deputies arrested a 20-year-old man from Oregon outside of Keg ’N’ Bottle liquor store after he allegedly stole a $30 bottle of Corazon tequila.

The subject said he went into the store to buy a cigar and saw that the store clerks were busy, so he decided to filch the bottle. During questioning, the subject told officers, “I made a stupid mistake. I’m sorry.”

While the officers accepted the man’s apology, it did not stop them from arresting him. During booking, a deputy attempted to get the subject’s name, but he repeatedly provided false information to the officer.

After three record checks, the man finally provided the officer with his actual name and said, “I’m sorry. You guys are way smarter than Oregon cops.”

Realizing he had failed to outwit the officers, the man proceeded to admit that he and members of his rock band back home always used fake IDs during run-ins with the less-savvy law officers in Oregon. This confession did not make things better.

The deputy asked the man if he had any drugs on his person. The blunt burglar replied, “No. We smoked all of them.”

After booking, the man was transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail, where officers searched his belongings and clothing. Things only got worse there — a deputy discovered a small bag of weed in the subject’s left sock.

Because stupidity is not an illegal offense, the man was charged with petty theft and knowingly bringing a controlled substance into jail, along with providing false information to a peace officer.

The man was housed at the facility, pending bail.

Found in the Daily Nexus

Greenacres, FL
Police were investigating a traffic crash in the 6300 block of Forest Hill Boulevard. During questioning, a woman tried to leave her car several times, because she wanted to get her purse on the hood and go home. Officers tried to keep her in the car until the investigation was complete.

While speaking with the woman, she lit a cigarette. An officer asked her to put it out for safety reasons. She refused and slapped the officer’s hand. She said she did not have to put out the cigarette, and it was her right to smoke. She later put the lit cigarette out on the ground next to her car, and then she was arrested.

Found in the Palm Beach Post

Erie County, NY
A patrol drove past a vehicle with heavy damage and a light out on Clinton Street. When the officer activated his lights, the vehicle pulled onto the lawn in front of a Clinton Street residence.

The driver of the suspect vehicle put his car in reverse and struck the patrol car. He told the officer he was trying to pull into his driveway. He said he drank four Coors Light beers for his birthday.

When performing field sobriety tests, the suspect asked if he could remove his glass eye to retry the one-leg stand. The officer allowed him to remove his artificial eye, but he failed the test again and was placed under arrest.

Found in the Bee News

Chadron, NE
Oct. 23
5:15 p.m. Caller from the 400 block of Chapin St. advised that he has two Taco John’s cups that are from the people who threw pop on his vehicle. Caller demanding officers take fingerprints immediately.

Nov. 7
2:54 p.m. Caller from the 400 block of Chapin St. advised that someone dumped pop on his vehicle again. He brought in two Taco Johns cups for fingerprints.

Found in the Chadron Record

Missoula, MT
A resident of Craighead Apartments in University Village told police she had noticed items missing from her apartment. She said a goldfish had been removed from the apartment, and then returned three weeks later dried out. Also among the items she reported missing were family pictures, washcloths and teaspoons. The investigation is ongoing, Lemcke said.

Found in the Montana Kaimin

Atlanta, GA
Around 9 a.m., a man started peeing on the steps of the federal courthouse on Walton Street, according to what a federal security officer said. The man, age 61, went to jail.

Found in Creative Loafing

Santa Barbara, CA
1:19 a.m. - Deputies walking down the 6600 block of DP observed a 20-year-old man urinating off the balcony of someone else’s home.

After finishing his business, the sloshed subject then attempted to enter the apartment, but was intercepted by a group of Foot Patrol officers.

When they began questioning the man, he was unable to tell the deputies which street he lived on. He also could not explain why he was hosing down his neighbor’s deck with urine.

Then the man got pissed off. He began calling the deputies “motherf##kers” and started ranting incoherently about the movie “Super Troopers.”

Taking a cue from the film, officers put the man in his place - jail - after arresting him for public intoxication.

Found in the Daily Nexus

Waynesboro, GA
A drunk and “belligerent” woman who claimed the sunlight took her breath away was arrested on multiple charges last week.

Shelly Lynn Allnock, 41, of Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., was arrested on Tuesday, May 2, for DUI, failure to maintain lane and property damage.

According to the report, Allnock failed to give a sufficient breath sample and told the

reporting officer that the sunlight was taking her breath away. She displayed several clues during field sobriety tests which indicated she was intoxicated. Allnock began screaming and yelling as officers arrested her, said she had done nothing wrong and asked officers to just follow her home. Allnock kicked the windows and door of the patrol vehicle and claimed that she was dying after being pepper sprayed and put in ankle shackles.

Officers were forced to carry Allnock to another patrol vehicle, which transported her to Burke Medical Center for testing.

The report states Allnock became belligerent several times at the hospital and claimed that money was missing from her purse.

Found in the True Citizen