Small Town Misfit

Northglenn, CO
A 46-year-old Northglenn woman called police at around 9:30 a.m. Jan. 3 to report that a man she had been dating said he was an FBI agent, according to police reports. The man, while allegedly intoxicated, showed FBI identification to a man who had supposedly stolen a cellphone that night while at a bar. Reports indicate the man told the alleged thief that he was a federal agent and it was a felony to steal a cellphone. The man’s neighbors told the police that they’d known him for the past 25 years. When the police asked what kind of work the male was in, the neighbors said, “I don’t know if I can tell you,” and indicated they had been asked to keep quiet. Police contacted the man at a home improvement store in Northglenn and he said he used to pose as an FBI agent to gain the interest of women but hadn’t done it for a while. The male subject filled out a voluntary witness statement. The case has been forwarded to the sheriff’s office and the FBI.

Found in the Northglenn Police Blotter

Jeffco, CO
52- year-old woman called about an incident that happened at 11 p.m. on Oct. 1 when her friend saw a pickup in the driveway of the woman’s property on the 26000 block of Richmond Hill Roa in Conifer.. The woman said she has No Trespassing signs posted and wanted to pursue charges against whoever was in the truck. The friend said he saw the pickup in the driveway and pulled into the drive to write down the license plate number, when the driver of the truck put the left turn signal on and turned onto Shiloh Road. The owner of the truck was contacted by deputies and said he was on his way home from work and pulled over to practice his elk bugle by the meadow because that is usually where the elk are. No action was taken.

Found in the Jeffco Police Blotter

Appleton, WI
A man living in the 1000 block of Southfield Drive reported finding two iPods, a Gucci wrist watch, a pair of earrings and a necklace inside his mailbox. He said he had no idea who they belonged to or why they were put in his mailbox.

Found in the Appleton Post-Crescent

Boulder, CO
A 35-year-old man received a summons after police were called to the 5200 block of Pearl Street on Dec. 26 on a report of a man with a gun. The man reportedly had a very real-looking BB gun and was using it to shoot leaves.

Found in the Boulder Police Blotter

An homage to a great book, Eats, Shoots, and Leaves

Goleta Valley, CA
Shortly after fleeing a grocery store on foot, the thief — who’d nearly been caught stealing merchandise by store security personnel — was apprehended by deputies at a nearby bus stop on the South Turnpike Road. Tucked into his clothing, authorities uncovered over $200 worth of over-the-counter antacids. Among the stolen goods were three boxes of Zantac, three boxes of Pepcid and three boxes of Prilosec.
The 25-year-old male, booked into jail for commercial burglary and conspiracy to commit the crime, refused to speak to deputies during his arrest.

Found in the Goleta Valley Voice

Goleta Valley, CA
Feeling “funny,” a young male approached an Isla Vista deputy in a patrol vehicle at 1:45 a.m. The talkative subject explained how he’d been at a “Mexican frat house” when another partygoer gave him a pill.

Told the pill would “relax” him, the forthcoming male did not hesitate ingesting the unidentified purple capsule. Shortly after swallowing the medication, the 20-year-old began feeling strange and left the party in search of help.

Noting a dry mouth and dilated pupils, the deputy performed a routine drug test. Testing presumptive positive for cocaine, amphetamines and THC, the young man was arrested. During a search of his belongings, the deputy additionally uncovered five oval shaped purple pills, the same ones, the subject said, he’d been given at the party.

Believed to be an illicit drug, drugs were booked as evidence.

Found in the Goleta Valley Voice

Atlanta, GA
A 43-year-old man said he went into the restroom at a McDonald’s on Peachtree Street. He said he sat on the toilet seat, which was down. “[The man] said he wiped himself after using the toilet, and the seat slipped off the bowl, and he and the seat fell to the floor,” an officer wrote. The man said after the fall, his backside and hip hurt. Medics took him to a hospital. A McDonald’s employee said an unknown person had removed the screw bolts that fastened the seat to the toilet bowl. So, the employee said, the toilet seat was in use but unfastened.

Found in Creative Loafing

Denton, TX
The woman told police that she wanted her husband to leave the house for Christmas so the children could enjoy it, the report said. The man agreed to leave until after Christmas.

He was not arrested.

Found in the Denton Record Chronicle

Erie County, NY
A complainant reported having received three hang-up calls from the same number in the past hour. When he called back a woman answered, saying she was babysitting and there was no way anyone there could have called because the kids were locked up in the closet.

Found in the Bee News

Erie County, NY
Police were called to the Boulevard Mall where Santa Claus had $200 taken. Santa would be at his chair in the food court until his shift ended.

Found in the Bee News Blotter

Clovis, NM
About 4 p.m. Nov. 25 an officer responded to a department store in the 3000 block of Prince for a shoplifting report.
Store employees said they found a used pregnancy test in the bathroom after a 17-year-old girl was observed going into the bathroom with it.
The girl said she used the test because she was scared her mother would be upset. She said she had the money to pay for it but was scared.
The girl was given a citation for shoplifting and turned over to her mother’s custody.

Found in the Clovis News Journal

Mukilteo, WA
A party requested contact from an officer in reference to an ongoing neighbor problem. The party showed the officer a video of the last seven days that she had set up to “catch” her neighbor committing crimes. It showed her neighbor standing on the landing area near her apartment on two occasions. There was no crime and no harassment.

Found in the Mukilteo Beacon